drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
my poor anus
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
