I'm eating all of the evidence.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
