Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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