I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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