She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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