Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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