I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
