My sheets look like a crime scene.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
