how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
