so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
