My first STD was from a foam party
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
