Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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