I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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