Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
