Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
