Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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