if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
