I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize