I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
