my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
