did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
