the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize