My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
