We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
