Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
