Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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