Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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