If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
