dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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