That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
