watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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