She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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