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• (989): View more from Michigan

  I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right

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• (763): View more from Minnesota

  Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.

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• (801): View more from Utah

  He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room

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• (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.

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• (519): View more from Ontario

  Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party

  (226): View more from Ontario

  But the music was sooo good

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• (925): View more from California

  My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.

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• (301): View more from Maryland

  There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window

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• (270): View more from Kentucky

  I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.

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• (785): View more from Kansas

  You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand

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