I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My cat gives me a boner
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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