he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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