I wish I only lived at night.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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