Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
