i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
