i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
