Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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