Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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