I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
