The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Last time i carry you out of a forest
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
