Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
