whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
