Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
