yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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