She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
