Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
