It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
