I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize