I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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