Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
