worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
