I accidentally burped into my bong.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
